In what seemed to be a more than an eight monthlong writing hiatus, I was actually busy preparing for the Physician Licensure Examination (the national exam for future doctors in the country). Looking back, I could only give out a deep breath coupled with my highest praise and deepest gratitude to the Master Physician Who has always been there for me during this year long journey of endless studying and insurmountable stress. But there’s more to the whole story than what meets the eye. In this write-up, I opted to be brutally honest than before and share my thoughts, my feelings and even my struggles that collectively sum up my whole pre-board experience. Doing this would help me synthesize things in retrospect and refresh the lessons learned along the way. (I was torn between making a YT vlog or this piece you’re reading now; it seemed to me that I was more comfortable sharing through this means and I bet you’re probably right when you’re thinking now I’d share something either too personal or too.)
When should I take the exam?
This was one of the questions which perplexed me during last year, such uncertain times. I prayed for God’s guidance and enlightenment so that He could lead me to His will on this. And He did! I felt impressed to take it just this March 2021 and the outcome of what I prayed for really proved that God’s timing is perfect! Well, it was not a smooth ride because due to the circumstances (like when I could have taken the exam on an earlier sched ’cause it did not fall on a Sabbath), I questioned my decision borne out of faith. But all throughout this ‘wilderness’ season, God taught me 3 As: to ACKNOWLEDGE, to ANTICIPATE and to AWAIT. And with His help, I did!
More than the physical side of things
Preparing for the board exams is not an easy feat. Cliché as it sounds, one could never say such until he or she gets to go through it. In my experience, I started to review as early as March after our post graduate internship transitioned to an online one because of the pandemic. Although initially, it was not all-out or very focused, I started to gain momentum around September if I remember it right. So technically speaking, since I started early, relative to others, I was prone to burnout. Good thing, I was at home with my family around me ’cause it made things more tolerable.
But as the heading expresses, the challenges were more than just related to the body and the mind. Truly, it was tough and draining physically and mentally. But spiritually, I was drained and sadly dying, too.
*breathes deeply*
You see, on some of those stressful days (not on a regular basis), I found myself succumbing to masturbation and pornography. As cringeworthy as me sharing this, I guess I simply found the courage to share the part of my journey that was under the shadows; the dark side of the story that for sure no one knows until now. And there’s something emancipating about telling you; that words can’t express and that God only knows how I feel. After those Waterloo moments, I could only repent and confess my sins to the only One able and willing to forgive and forget them. And as I recall how His amazing grace saved me and His unconditional love healed me, time and time again, I could only echo the words of the sweet hymn:
O precious is the flow
that makes me white as snow;
no other fount I know;
nothing but the blood of Jesus.
THANK YOU JESUS! How I wish I could undo the times I suffered and wasted some precious opportunities due to this thorn in the flesh! But God has lovingly restored a wretched and unworthy sinner back to His fold and I will never forget the miraculous wonders of His salvation!
A CoVID Threat
Just days before I would leave for Iloilo where our testing center was located, I received terrible or much fittingly, horrifying news that I was one of the close contacts of a CoVID + person! At first glance, it did not seem bothersome because we both did not have more than 15 minutes interaction. However, the enemy plagued me with negative thoughts and my faith was tested. The possibility of not being able to take the exam due to the virus became a real threat to me and it was such a scary place to consider that all year long, I was careful enough not to get infected but only to be so within days before the big day! I found it hard to study during that week and I begged God for a miracle because I was being gripped with fear! His ways are indeed mysterious as He taught me the hard way; He taught me to trust Him AGAIN and to learn how to praise Him during this storm. That’s why Natalie Grant’s song echoed my heart’s sentiments during this fiery trial that beset me:
And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
‘Cause You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hands
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
If only I could find the right words to describe how I felt those stormy times! But I think through this song’s lyrics, you could have a full picture of where I was and how God was trying to teach me to be patient and to praise Him even though it was hard.
When my RT-PCR swab result came out, it was negative! I remember how I thanked God so much and what made it more beautiful was His goodness shone brightest even though I was completely unworthy and was even doubting Him! I repented of my doubts and surely this trial taught me more on faith and surrender than many past ones combined. This specific answer revealed to me that God really wanted me to take the boards (that this was really His specified time!) and the process, the road to receiving His answer was a far greater blessing than the answered prayer!
More fiery trials = more answered prayers
The night before the first day of the boards, sleep eluded me! Though I was not worrying and I was at peace, I found it hard to sleep. I could never explain how or why this was so despite 4 melatonin capsules (spell desperation!) Upon rising up, I felt so scared and overwhelmed because I just did not know how I would survive the next hours of the day! But coming to think of it, as of this writing, the Lord showed His mighty hand countlessly before throughout the review season; how could I doubt Him this time? Well, for the first time in my life, I felt that I was totally not in control and so I wholeheartedly surrendered that day to His hands. I remembered telling God that “The battle is not mine but Yours, Lord!” By a leap of faith, I proceeded to my preparations and before I knew it, I was already at the designated room, ready to answer the first subject, Biochemistry. And the rest was history!
I SURVIVED THE FIRST DAY! And the next 3 days of the exam as well! And I could only attribute this to the grace of God!! Some of the subjects were difficult like IM and OB-Gyne, others relatively “ok” but at the end of each day, I was at peace because the Lord showed His mighty power as well as His infinite goodness!
There was also one exam where I forgot the formula (one of the hardest to memorize). No matter how many formulas I tried, ending up with the correct choice was to no avail. I prayed earnestly for the Lord to lead me to the right answer and He led me to letter C. After that, He confirmed the answered prayer through a batchmate who said the answer was indeed letter C!
Not to boast but only claiming His promise in faith, I knew that I would pass the exams! And after 4 days, the results came out and God gave me my heart’s desire: I was finally a licensed MD! After all the struggles, after all the doubts, after all the trials, how beautiful and meaningful was that exact moment when I saw my name as one of the passers!
Not my will but His
I will not deny that I prayed for God’s extra blessing to make it to the Top 10 but only if it was His will. I was able to do well in my exams from our review center but it was not a false assurance. I took it as a sign that it was a possibility to be a topnotcher but I chose not to make it as a goal of unbalanced proportions. Or the ultimate outcome in mind. With the right perspective, I thank God that He helped me to prioritize what’s more important. And it most likely helped me react properly when I checked my rating a week after the last exam.
It was 0.75 points away from the 10th placer! But unlike before, I still felt at peace and I chose to trust God’s will or purpose of why I never made it! Just passing the exam after everything I’ve been through was sufficiently a blessing! And I could not be less grateful!
A journey ends, another begins
My PLE journey has been very memorable in both goods ways and bad. It’s something I never want to go through again and I’m relieved I don’t have to. Yet all the lessons, all the insights, all the blessings and most especially all the answered prayers added depth and color to the final portrait of God’s masterplan for me, in making me His physician missionary a reality.
Yes I did my part; I tried my best. But I know were it not for the Master Physician, all would have been lost, all would have been in vain, all would have been for nothing! To God be the glory!
Blessed be God,
Who has not turned away my prayer,
Nor His mercy from me!
Psalm 66:20
Through Life's Ebony and Ivory 